How HATING Yoga led me to a Sacred Re-union

I have struggled a lot in my life about body image, there have been many poor choices rooted in trauma and addiction and mental illness. In short, my relationship with my body has been less than great and something I’ve spent the past few years really trying to change.

To paint a picture:

There was old me: go to gym; walk on treadmill and then eat half a tub of ice cream that night because “Hey!, I burned 500 calories today”. I am active, I went to the gym…

There was a few years ago me: goes to gym; lifts weights (tones and transforms my body). Which at one point translated into kick boxing. Working out, being ‘strong’ 6 days a week.

In comes the pandemic and the gym is ripped out of my reality. For a while I tried to replicate my work outs at home and walk more to make up for what I might be missing. Little did I know, I was making room. Room in my awareness and in my life for a much higher wisdom to come in.

Here’s what I came to realized:

· I worked out so much out of fear that the ‘old’ me was lurking in the shadows waiting to step back into my life.

· I worked out so much out of a ‘need’ to feel strong; as a single person, a mom, an entrepreneur and homeowner… there was a lot on my plate that I was navigating ‘alone’ and therefore I needed to be strong on all levels.

All fear based, over independent, wounded masculine energy.

As I sat with this, I realized that there were many ways this ‘fear based’ energy was showing up in my life. So I set the intention to begin to allow a more feminine, more accepting, more open and softer version of me emerge. I started asking for help, I started being with myself in more tender and gentler ways and moving my body; FOR my body. Not because there was an agenda.

It began to break down so many hidden programs I unconsciously held.

As I have shared I have most recently (Feb -end of Apr 2022) experienced a massive inner re-organization and upgrade that has left my body feeling weak and at some points gasping to breathe. Because I do believe from a much more balanced and healed place that movement is important, I decided to try Yoga. No pounding the pavement or hitting the weights, no agenda or fear…just a remembering to breathe and flow with the movement of my body.

Little did I know that the greatest gift and re-union was on the verge of being born.

I did a 30day beginner challenge online. I’ll be honest, it felt like a lot of: foot here, head here, arm stretch, shift your weight, hold in your belly button ALL AT ONCE. Seriously ! by the time I even remotely got my body into a position that was close to what was expected- she changed it to something else.

Now, one ‘program’ I have not fully cleared is the ‘need to get it right’. It’s insidious: Spirituality – get it right!, Motherhood- get it right, Life- get it right! Yoga- get it right!

I know you Yogi’s are laughing at me … its why it’s called a practice, I know. Laugh away.

After a brief chat with my osteopath about this “Yoga insanity”, he suggested that I not do it. That I simply just meet myself, stretch and follow the guidance of my body. In essence, make it my own . HUH! So that’s exactly what I did!

I put in my ear pods and play some nice meditation-like music. I sit crossed legged and close my eyes. I ‘meet myself’ fully, breathe and say some affirmations and then I ask my body what it needs. What feels stiff or stuck or out of flow. I know enough of the key positions to replicate them, which I do sometimes. I get there in my own time and hold the pose as long as my body directs me to. Other times, I am rolling around on the floor doing something that looks nothing like ‘yoga’ and yet, in those moments its exactly what my body needed.

One day (a few days in, maybe a week) I sat on the floor, crossed legs, closed my eyes and said “I am here” (one of the commands/affirmations I use often when I realize I am not being present) and she spoke back!

This little voice from deep within me, the consciousness of my body, my inner child – perhaps both, replied “thank you” and I began to cry. She said “thank you for coming to be with me” and in that I ‘knew’ that ‘she’/my body had been waiting my whole life for this. For the space between me and ‘her’ to be cleared of all the fear, toxic beliefs and programs that was keeping us from uniting. For me to show up – just for her- with no preconceived idea of what she should look like, what she should weigh, what contrived thing I was going to force her to perform.

This was no longer about what the human believes is healthy. What ideal diet, hydration, weight and exercise ‘should be’. This is something much deeper; a beautiful, sacredly honouring and re-unification of the deepest part of me.

I look forward to my morning ritual of meditation, movement and deep sacred inner connection. I am curious to see where this takes ‘us’ and am so incredibly grateful that I HATED yoga!

Namaste (wink)